Quitting my job.

     So I quit my job.  Which is sort of okay because it is one of three.  So...I mean I still have two others going for me right?  Not so bad.   I am SO happy.  This is going to be a story about why and how I quit.  So sit back.  Grab a cup of hot cocoa/wine/tea and let's go.
     I tried to move to Toledo last January.  It was a fucking fail.  Like a for real fucking fail. Definitely in the top 10 worst ideas I have had.  I dealt with it as long as I could (two months) and then did what everyone does at 29.  I came home and cried to my parents and said I couldn't do it.  In my defense, I had a gun pulled on me twice.  I wasn't ready for any of this new life on the real streets.  I saw my life spiralling out of control and me eventually selling crack out of a box on Reynolds.  I say Reynolds because that is the only road that is stuck in my head. I think I have a lot of repressed memories from those two months.  And you know what?  Let's keep those the fuck there.
     So I moved back!!! YAYYY!!!! Out of the ghetto and back into the land of suburbia.  I could have then chosen to make a rap career for myself but I wanted to keep myself grounded.  So I rented a little apartment for me and the catz.  I searched around for jobs.  But I didn't want to serve anymore or really do anything I had done before.  Which would have been just a) serving or b) bartending.  I did for a while work for that victoria store but I couldn't go back to that because let's face it.  It's really hard to be like "heyyyy, how are you doing today?!  We have some awesome specials!  ::yada yada yada::...now can I measure your tits??  Come onnnnn!!!!".  No thank you.  So instead I chose a Tuxedo place.  Because I felt weird measuring tits, but for some reason I felt really comfortable on my knees measuring a guy around his crotch.  I guess it's one of those "more experience" type deals.  I've visited a male crotch or two but I very rarely insist on measuring my friends breast area.
      So I get hired.  Shit. goes. down. from. jump. street.   I am hired in as assistant manager.  Whooo hoooo!!! But I don't start for another week. Well when I go to start my first days I realize there is another girl...WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET...because called assistant manager.  Yeah....what a bitch.  Anyway her name was....let's say Crystal.  Because that is a trashy name and well she was trashy.  She wore clothes that were tight but...like Union Bay and she still thought they looked slammin'.  Her 18 year old fiance always came in to see her, and she was 24!!  So it was like "what are you doin' bitch?!"  Which might come off ghetto but remember I am just back fresh off the streets of T-town.   Apparently, as the story was uncovered, it turned out, that she had threatened to quit and since they needed someone with a bad root job, they were like..."okay".  So she got my position.  When I start my job I am already at a pay cut and now just a part time mayyybe full time position.
     I was okay with that.  Because I enjoy going with the flow...which can also read, "I don't stand up for myself".  So I do that.  I train myself because no one else did.  Which wasn't too hard but let's give me some credit because well....dammit I deserve it.  So now it is April.  I am two months in the tuxedo biz.  White trash Mcgee decides she can't handle the pressure so she quit.  I am thinking "finally!!!  I've only been telepathically telling you to do that for 8 weeks."  I convince myself I am a witch.  But maybe just a slow one. I am of course.  OF COURSE.  going to immediately sky rocket to assistant manager.  Right?
     FUCKING WRONG.  I did not.  I go through Prom season.  Which is horrible.   Prom moms.....you are the WORST.  Your son is going to look like shit in a tux okay?  He is either lanky and can't fill one out or has odd proportions.  They are in high school.  He isn't going to look like a fucking red carpet celebrity.  So I live through that horror show.  Praise the lord.  The hiring manager was the worst.  She enjoyed sitting in the back pretended to have migraines that were brought on by being in the Marines.  WHICH SHE WAS NEVER EVEN REALLY A PART OF.  She went to boot camp and then had an honorable discharge due to migraines.  Which were obviously not real.  However, if you talked to her it was as if she had weathered the worst wars imaginable.  When really.....all she did was go to an intensive fat camp.  JUST SAYING.
     So I wanted her gone.  So I killed her.  LOLOLOL J/K  didn't do that at all.  I just hoped maybe she would stop entering my life so often and God could do with my prayer what he thought right.  I gave it to Jesus. Well last week of June hits.  She goes on vacation, we are ALL on vacation!!!  Because we don't have to hear about her fake migraines or about "her kids" which were her boyfriend of 6 month's.  (weirdoooo)
     So she came back.  And she said the things I had been hoping to hear for so so long.  This was on a Monday f.y.i.  she said "I want you to know Saturday is my last day.  I could have fallen to the floor, on my knees crying.  It was the move the other girls and I had been praying for.  I actually used the restroom to look in the mirror and say"this is really happening!!".  Then I mirror Oprah hugged myself.  I knew she was gone and we would have a better new manager soon.  ::::Oh and yes, at this point I am STILL not assistant manager. The position I was hired for:::
     In the first few weeks the store was filled with light and love.  We were so happy to her gone.  The three of us knowing something had to be done were excited!  Let's turn the store around we thought!!  No one could ever do worse than that bag of flesh!  (LOL harsh but hilarious).  So July starts...nothing from corporate....then august hits...nothing from corporate.   This entire time.  Weddings are not stopping.  The three of us are making sure every wedding goes as well as planned.  But we suck, because no one trained us and no one has contacted us to let us know what the fuck is going on.  I imagine at this point it was like leaving an astronaut on the moon and saying "make sure it isn't out of cheese".  But how can you?  WHEN NO ONE IS CALLING OR CHECKING?!?!
     So finally I say "I want to be manager" because I mean if I am going to be working this hard why wouldn't I want salary.  This is a life lesson I learned the hard way.  The big guys come down and tell me it is great that I throw my hat in the ring.  Which might as well be a fucking hula hoop in the actual room we are in. Because no one else is throwing anything.  So we wait....again.  Well they decide to hire a nice guy.  A GUY....go figure.  They are over the moon with this guy.  They might as well be jacking off into the "ring" and spelling out his name in semen they are so excited.  AND HE IS INCREDIBLE.  So incredible he leaves 2-3 hours early every day and lasts 2 weeks.  Was it two?  Oh shit...I don't know....maybe
     So he leaves.  The big guys come down again and I am like "I want to run this store.  I have no idea what I was after.  Or what fucking validation I would somehow get from doing this, but I wanted it."  I make horrible decisions, ask my friends...or look at past lovers.
     They cave....finally...muahahhaha with no one else in the entire area willing to take the position they give it to me.  Looks like I win this one, Tux biz.  So the first week of October hit. I am now manager.  There is a new store in wretched Toledo as well.  They focus on Toledo.  I learn what I can myself.  Out of urgency we hire a girl to add to the staff of three that we had.  Well homegirl liked to talk about her and her horrifically unfortunately looking fiance's sex life....nonstop...to customers.   So since I think sometimes, I was like...ughhhh noooo that is not what we want to do on the sales floor. I hoped she would get it.  But instead she made fun of my rules.  You know who makes fun of my rules?!!!  NO ONE.  So I ripped them down and asked her what was so stupid about "1. DON'T DISCUSS SEX LIFE WITH CUSTOMERS"
      After that it really doesn't matter because she was fire.  Since we all didn't like the sex maniac, we agreed we would work through it and she could be gone.  We would have to do a few shifts alone but in the end it would be worth it.  Here is what really happened:  first Sunday....a 6 hour shift from 12-6 suddenly broke the college student who I knew was just a matter of time before she quit so whatever this really sucks UGH whatevz. BUT BUT BUT 2) My assistant and great friend gets pregnant and gets sick to the point they put her on bed rest after she goes to the ER.  I am left.....FUCKING ALONE.
     You know who comes to help me?  No one.  I keep the store running from open to close every day.  I had 3 days that other people came in to help so I could have time away.  This is all a week after they told me I was salary.  This goes on until the end of November.  No one is doing interviews, no one is helping clients or me with anything I need. It is me week after week.  Finally we have some people trained and I get my first real week the second to last of November.
     At the end of November they want to talk to me on my day off.  Not a good sign.  They tell me that they are closing the Lima store, moving the manager to my store, I am stepping down and back to hourly.  Yeah.  That is how they did it.  So they asked if I was okay with that.  I said yes, because what the fuck do you say to that.  You say "I AM SO THRILLED"  or "NO"?? Then they say "okay, goodbye."
     So the new manager comes.  I like her, much more than everyone said.  She is lovely and nice.  She does a great job.  We work together until a few weeks ago.  I had taken a sick day in December.  The slowest of our months.  Apparently it was a big fucking deal. Corporate came down and talked to me about my hours.  Which I found INCREDIBLY interesting since NO ONE had EVER come down when I was working open to close for almost 2 months and said "hey we need to talk about your pay and hours".  So for real what the fuck is that.
      The final straw (which humors me that is was final considering how ridiculous everything else has been) was the new manager, after everyone was gone, showed me a paper that said my clock ins had to be altered and this was my last and final warning.  I had never received a first or second.  The policy as explained to me was "if you mess up, email susie, it is fixed"  that seemed to work for everyone else.
       How fucked up is that?   No one....especially Susie was concerned when I was working alone open to close.  No one was concerned about me needing help in training.  AND NO ONE EVEN KNEW MY FUCKING NAME.   SO the lesson here kids is....go to Men's Wearhouse.  Share this with as many people as possible, support fair work ethics.  Let us stand up and fight against the businesses who who hold us down.
     So I got that message.  It took a lot to hold it together.  Because I thought of how many things I had put aside for the company and made sure I did the best I could.  When I left I cried. I cried one of those defeated cries where it hurts to inhale.  I went back to work the next day and I looked around at the suits and thought about the money people spend on the suits to go to a funeral.  I thought about the culture of making people spend money to be in a great day for their friends.  And then I thought about how much of assholes the company had been to me.
    So I took an early break and never came back.  I walked over to a bar across the street, had a shot, played beer pong, and drank until my boyfriend picked me up.  He then bought me a kitten calendar.  Because he is awesome and I love him.  It was one of the best days ever.
 

Coffee

I've been drinking a lot of coffee lately.  I like it.  I am not sure if I like it because it wakes me up or if it is because the topic of coffee fills in a lot of “grown up” conversations these days.  I am getting more and more antisocial.  I recently decided to cut down on drinking alcohol.  That isn't what has changed my behavior.  No, in fact the most drinking I have done is on my own at home.  I suppose that sounds depressing.  But it isn't.  I’d much rather be drunk, listen to the music I want to, and not have some discussion with someone else telling me their drunk opinions that I don’t give a fuck about.  Or pretending to like someone or make them interesting when the only way it works is by drinking so much I don't remember them at all the next day.  Instead I'm giving it up because I wanted to.  I guess I'm not really “giving it up” per se, but we are taking some time apart.  I started making myself pretty sick and the two bottles of wine wasn’t cutting it anymore.  I’d be puking and shaky for days after.  So I just decided enough was enough.  If I were honest and open about that with a lot of people they would probably tell me that I should go to AA.  Well that is stupid.  I mean, I am sure it works out for some people but not me.  I feel like it is a club of a bunch of people I have nothing in common with.  Except drinking….but I mean if we are going by that definition then I probably belong to a shit ton of clubs.  I haven’t missed my wine.  I thought I would.

I used to use a lot of cocaine.  I liked coke.  I liked it a lot.  I did it every day from sunrise to sunfall…and a lot in between.  I see these bullshit posters a bunch of girls make that take about watching the sunset or sunrise.  It’s in a pretty font and often shared on places like pinterest or facebook.  Every time I see one I think “hmmm they’ve never done drugs.”   I don’t think anyone has seen the sunrise and sunsets more than those who have dabbled in a drug or two.   Sunsets were always awesome.  Sunrises usually came with a lot of guilt and coming down is never fun.  So sometimes you pull a bender. 

Yet, with my love affair of cocaine, one day I just woke up and thought “I don’t want to do this anymore”  It wasn’t some great epiphany or anything amazing.   I wasn't thinking “there is so much more to life than this!!!”.   No, it basically came from a place of laziness.  I decided maybe I loved sleep and money more than nightlife and being broke.  So I stopped.  End of story. 

Same thing with cigarettes.  I feel bad that most of the people I know are governed by them.   I smoked because I liked to.  It was nice for awhile, way better when I was drunk.   I did spend some time in my life buying cigarette packs daily.  But I don’t exactly know why.  Oh wait, that was probably in the coke phase.  That would explain it.  That dwindled down more and more and more.  Then I realized I was smoking a pack a week.  So I woke up one morning and thought, “this is really dumb”.  So I quit.

I suppose I am lucky in the area of will power.  But it isn't even will power.  It’s more or less I let a part of who I think I am go.  I let something define me and take up my time.  It’s easy to fall into categories that way.  It’s easier to make friends and have things to do.  How many people am I going to find who like to go antiquing?  Not too many.  How many people can I find to drink and party with?  Usually whoever you run into is down for some kind of genre in the art of partying.  

I guess that the older I am getting the less I am into hanging out with people for superficial reasons.  I am even less into hanging out with people to just hang out.  I know who I like.  I have friends who have been my friends forever.  They aren't based around any of these things.  They also aren't based on talking about old times and bringing them up constantly.  I mean, my friends and I do engage in that every so often.  However, we are comfortable with each other.  Not on a boring level, but on a level that I can sit and say nothing with them or I can list every thing on my mind.  We get each other and we care.  Even though I really like being alone and being antisocial is my new favorite thing.  I like those people. 

So to sum things up….coffee, less drinking, antisocial, sticking with old friends.

Out with the old....in with the new.

     This past year has been interesting.  I am not where I planned to be when I started this year.  I am so thankful for that!!  I love the roller coaster of life and how regardless of the changes you are always safe and okay.  God and the universe is always looking for what is best for you.  We just have to trust, let go and accept the things we come across.  The more you fight change, the more unhappy and negative you become.
     This past year I dealt with the toxic things in my life.  I dealt with the toxic emotions in me by going to therapy and talking things out.  It has been one of the healthiest decisions of my life.  I put so much pressure on myself by holding in anxiety and self hate.  I had always refused counseling because I knew that if I did that I would be admitting I had a problem.  My emotions are now much more grounded.  I have seen amazing changes in the way I react to problems.  I am so thankful to my friends and family who supported me with my decision.
      I moved into a new apartment all my own.  It is very small but perfect for me and my cats.  In the move I got rid of a lot of excess things that I was carrying around and it felt so good to get rid of it all.  It was difficult at first.  Letting go of items you have pretend attachment to can seem daunting at first.  However I downsized my life to an incredible amount.  This helped clean my life up also.  No more paying for a storage unit that holds items that have bad memories attached to them.  Today I can say I love my apartment and I love everything that is in it.  I have everything I need and I am blessed for that.
     I decided to get rid of toxic friends and relationships.  I realized I had spent too much time and energy on people who were not doing anything positive for my life.  They were not helping me grow as a person.  A couple of them were cloaked in the idea that they were positive aspects of my life.  On further evaluations I discovered that I was being emotionally drained and these people were feeding off my failures and sucking my energy in order to make themselves feel better or validated.  This was very difficult because every one of these people had been in my life for a long time and had played large parts in it.  In the end it was completely for the best, and I am happier and have opened new room in my life for others to come in.
     When I moved into this apartment I also made the decision to throw out every toxic cleaning supply I had.  I didn't stop at cleaning supplies.  I also threw out all toiletries including make up that had chemicals, were tested on animals or were from major corporations. I can now say everything in my house is completely natural and nothing has been tested on animals.  I make my own cleaning supplies, some of my make up, and I only buy natural products.
     I worked on relationships with my family.  We worked through a lot of hurtful things that had happened, mostly done by me.  We have come together again and put so much behind us.  We are closer than ever and I love spending time with them.  I have come back to church and Jesus.  That has made a huge improvement in our lives.  It has helped me put away a lot of my anger and hatefulness.  I have been opened up to love and allow love into my life again.
     So 2013 was a great cleansing year.  I plan to continue my adventure in 2014.  I am so happy with my life.  I have three wonderful jobs that I absolutely adore.  I am in a great place to be able to say I work all those jobs because I want to and not because I have to.  After this year I have made the decision if you don't like something, chose something else.  My cats are wonderful, healthy, and happy.  I continue to give them love and attention and they do the same in return.  Having animals is a wonderful experience and I am thankful to have a connection with them everyday.  I plan on continuing and furthering my fight for animal rights.  There were a lot of small victories in 2013 and a few large ones.  I am excited to see what the new year brings in that arena!  I have also met an amazing man who is so so good to me.  He is positive, inspiring, and brings out the best in myself.  He has definitely been brought into my life with purpose and I could not be more thankful for that.  Here is to 2014!!  Another great year ahead of all of us!!!!
   
   

I am the worst blogger ever

      The last time I posted I felt like I had really dropped the ball.  However, now seeing that the last post I made was at the end of July, I feel like I have beat myself in that arena.  Oh well, shit happens and you get busy right?  Or maybe not so busy.
      So the piece of shit manager I had before quit at the beginning of July...I suppose it was actually the last week of June.  So pick a time and we will go from there.  So since then two other girls and I have been running the store.  Then just a week ago in a very unfortunate turn of events I became the only employee.  How?  You might ask.  Well here is how.
     I hired a girl, who in the interview seemed great.  She had a very bubbly personality and was very nice.  These things along with the fact that I was desperate to get a fourth person working so I could finally have a normal schedule, made me overlook the fact that she was dressed for a trailer park beach themed party.  I sometimes see what I want to see.  That day I chose to see a nice girl in a sun dress on a warm day.  I think sometimes I might hallucinate. So I hired her.  Awesome job to me.  I saved all our problems and we would finally be able to all work normal hours.  It would be glorious.
     Cut to three weeks later.  The personality I took for "bubbly" was a bat shit crazy woman who would not shut the fuck up.  EVER.  I counted the times I said "uh huh" and "yeah" without her knowing.  134 being the highest in one conversation.  She was the type of person that makes you feel exhausted after talking to them.  She was an energy sucker.  She also had no filter between her brain and her mouth.  I know a lot of people who technically "lack filter" but she takes the cake.  She would walk in talking about the blow job she gave her fiance the night before while customers were in the store.  She would discuss the never ending grotesque details of her sex life with customers and the other employees as well.  So not only was this a situation where she was soul draining and exhausting; but also vulgar and disgusting.  Then I also found out she had been talking about everyone to everyone else behind their backs.
    I suppose I could have gone about things in a better and nicer manner but this bitch just wouldn't let that happen.  Every time I tried to sit her down and have a talk about these things and try to address what I needed her to do, she would just wander off in mid-discussion or start talking about her mutant farm hand fiance.  It was like trying to have a conversation with a butterfly.  You think it is going to sit still and then there it goes and flies the fuck off.  So since she wouldn't listen I had to be the bad guy.  She had called my rules stupid.  The rules I made were "Do not discuss your sex life with customers" and "Do not watch movies on your kindle on the floor".  They were stupid rules.  Because it is so ridiculous that they have to actually be rules that yes they are stupid.  But homegirl was so dense she didn't even realize the small list of rules were about her.
      Then she proceeded to tell everyone that I "think I am more attractive than I really am."   Now this really pissed me off. I have never once twirled around the sales floor, or brushed my hair in front of a mirror, or demanded to come into work riding a white horse.  I have never asked the mirror who is the fairest of them all, and then laugh manically as if the mirror said my name.  I also never talk about "oh this guy totally likes me".  Normally if I say anything about my looks it is in a sarcastic and self depreciating manner.  Either she doesn't get sarcasm or she is living in a bigger fantasy world than I am.  And the one I live in is a god damned kingdom with villages and shit.
       So she had to go, so I let her go.  Then I was left with the crew I had before.  We were back to three people.  Luckily I had explained to the other girls, who had been begging me to fire her, that they would help pick up the extra slack until we found a new person.  It would be one maybe two weeks.  They agreed and said they would be happy to.  Well shit doesn't fucking work out sometimes.  They abandoned the plan and one quit for "school" reasons saying work was too much for her to take on with school also.  Which I find complete bullshit because I went to school and worked full time when I went to college.  So I am assuming she had some kind of mental handicap I was unaware of and that it was an obstacle she was struggling with in private. So kudos to her for living with her secret for so long.  God speed.
       The other girl came down with a horrible condition called pregnancy.  Apparently you catch it from men.  Anyways it seems horrific.   There is a lot of vomiting and falling asleep.  I mean I would be cool with the sleep thing but purging my guts out ever few hours sound like something I would like to pass on.  This pregnancy is also with her husband who she was separated from and planning on divorcing.  But guess what?!?!?!  Baby magic isn't only a shampoo.  There is also baby magic that somehow repairs relationships and makes you fall in love again.  Or it makes you realize you are stuck with that fucking person now for the rest of your life so suck it up and make the best of it.  I am thinking that was the choice she made.  She decided she was so sick that she could no longer go on.  Without calling and letting me know or giving me any heads up she did a no call no show.  So I was left.....the....only employee.
       This has put me in a nice place though.  I now get to start over from scratch.  I have hired two new girls who so far seem to be working out well.  They seem to be good workers and are responsible.  So far neither one of them have talked to a single customer about their sex lives so that is a major plus.  I mean I am already ahead of the game.  I have maintained a professional ruse and things are going exactly as I like them. I mean as good as they are going to go.  The icing on the cake is that I just signed onto salary right before this little empire crumbled to the ground.  So I am averaging almost 80 hour work week and will for the next month at least.  I am not getting anything extra.  But I will live with it.  I am lucky to have a job and I get to stay away from people most of the time.  I get to read books and now will have lots of time to work on this little blog that I have put on the back burner for so long.

   

I'm shitty at posting ;)

   Well since my last post, things have been great.  My cats are healthy and happy.  My family and I are working on our relationships with each other.  Or I guess I should say me lol.  I've always been the difficult one.  You know it is hard to get across to people just how much you care about things when you are always sarcastic and have a defense mechanism.  I think maybe that is why I love animals so much.  Everything is simple with them.  I don't mean simple in a "stupid" kind of way but in a way that there are not any egos or things to filter through.  I think I have spent so much of my life filtering through that I just can't anymore.  I've turned almost anti social.  Maybe it's the job change or maybe its me. I don't know.  I just know I am happy in my little world I've created.  I love my apartment, my animals, my habits....I bought a fern but I don't think I love it.  I am pretty much certain now I just buy ferns every year to watch them die.  Or to watch some prehistoric Darwin experience.
     I wasn't made manager even though my coworkers thought I would be.  I am fine with that actually.  Since my grand plan involves.........drum roll..........I haven't told anyone until today.  Now I am telling everyone hahahaha.  I am going back to school next fall to study Zoology.  I want to have a degree that I can go out and fight for animals with.  I swear to god I am going to save all the animals or at least as many as I can before I die.  It is a little late in life to start over with college and it is something I have no prereqs in so that will take awhile.  But I will know about every animal.  I will be able to work in everything from a rescue shelter to a zoo.  I will finally......finally....meet Jack Hanna.  I really don't care how long it takes I will save animals and meet that man.  My life will not be complete until I have a picture of us holding hands and spinning in a circle.  So there.  I am happy with the manager we have.  I have kind of had a girl crush on hid girlfriend for awhile so I feel like things are happening for me.  I am happy.  I am happy and everyday I wake up and say "Thank you universe for another day, thank you for my family, my friends, my animals and everyone I will meet today.  I love you and I love me and I love them." Then I listen to awesome jams.  I suggest everyone do this and your life will be amazeballz.

A New Life

   I am starting a new life for myself.  I have had a pretty awesome one so far but it has been fairly void of any true meaning.  I basically have spent my 20's partying, doing whatever I want, spending money frivolously, and watching my life go by.  I've moved from Ohio to Florida and then back to Ohio.  I have spent time in college majoring in something that I liked but there is no demand for anymore.  I have not really strived for anything outrageous or even thought about attempting it.
    I guess I have been telling myself this past decade that "this was the best I can do".  I told myself I wouldn't have a career or have the cookie cutter life that so many of my friends have.  At one point, I did assume I would get married and have kids.  That didn't pan out. Which in the end is for the better.  Sometimes it doesn't mean the people in the relationship are bad it just means they don't work when put together.
     This is the last year of my twenties.  I am half through it.  I have been doing a lot of thinking.  I have been spending a lot of time alone with my thoughts and reflecting on my life and thinking of the future.  Some how in the past few weeks something has struck a cord inside of me.  I have a feeling I have never felt before.  Instead of telling myself of things I can't do, I have suddenly become full of determination to reach for the things I thought were unthinkable.  I feel like my purpose in life is showing itself.
     I have been getting spiritual lately.  What I mean by that, is I have been taking things for different "religions", thought processes, and ideas of different cultures and kind of making my own thing.  If I tried to describe it, I don't think I could.  At least not now.  I just know that something amazing is happening to me, and it is getting stronger every day.  So I have been asking each day when I wake up to see just one sign to show me what I should do.  The signs have been so in my face, it is amazingly incredible.  These haven't been coincidences, they have been full out almost "lights flashing above them" signs.
     As some people know I have tried to kill myself quite a few times, to no avail.  I have tried many different methods, even driving my car into cement walls at 95 miles per hour.  I have to admit, that there have been many times in my life I have asked "why in the hell has none of this worked?".  I have survived many situations that I should definitely be dead from. I have always thought in the back of my mind, I must have something to do here.  I must have some kind of purpose and something to achieve.
    All of that was easy to drown out with alcohol and drugs and what have you. The one night stands, empty relationships, fake friendships.  If I just didn't try anything I wouldn't fail and then I wouldn't have to feel bad, or feel like I was a failure at something.  I just chose not to try at all.  That worked up until now.
     I have felt something shift and know exactly what my purpose is.  It is something that I will not disclose because it is a very personal journey I am making.  Things will unfold over time. I just don't want anyone's opinions or two cents about my next moves in life.  It's going to be a long process but it is something that I have a passion for that I have never imagined I would in my entire life.
    So I am trimming my life back a bit.  I am choosing to almost seclude myself to focus on what needs to happen for my success.  I am deleting facebook and other things of that nature because they have been huge distractions for me in my life before and I need as few distractions as possible now.  I still want to keep up with my friends, but I would rather do that over the phone, meeting in person, or skyping if they live far away.
     I want to get away from the fake world that I seem to find all too often.  In fact I have almost become a caricature of myself.  I know just what to say to make people laugh, I say outlandish things, and basically have made a character I play most of the time.  I am some of those things to an extent but not to the point I portray all the time.  I think I have wasted a lot of my life being what I wanted other people to like, and doing things so I could stay in a comfort zone.
     I am done with that now.  Do I wish I would have started sooner? No.  Because everything that has happened in my life has led me to the place I am in now.  I couldn't have started at any time before this because I did not have the tools or belief in myself that is starting to manifest inside of me.  This has come, like all things in life, at exactly the time it was suppose to.  I have a huge end goal.  However, I am taking it one day at a time, one little step after another, and I will be there soon.  My life has meaning for the first time.  It is as if the old me has died, and a new me has been born.   This is a new life.

becoming cat woman

Tonight I had dinner with my brother and mother.  It was a touching evening.  We were all busy for the official mother's day so we decided to go get dinner the next week.  My brother and I went to the store and we bought our mother flowers before we met her.  I use the term "we" loosely because when I turned to look at Johnnie (my brother) and say "what do you think of these?".  He was long gone.  I thought he had been kidnapped.  But no.  I found him a few aisles over looking at magazines he has never read or ever been interested in. Sooooo looking at flowers for our mother is so boring that he ran and needed to feed his head with any information he had.  If I saw him reading Martha Stewart I would have not been surprised.  I actually said "what are you reading??" and his response was "I don't know".

So anyway.....we got o the restaurant.  Mom was not there.  I put the flowers on the table.  The server greeted us and asked "what are we celebrating today?".  I wanted to tell her that the man across from me was my younger brother and he brings me flowers and takes me to dinner every other day.  But instead I made us sound like terrible terrible people.  My response was "Well we are taking our mom out to dinner for mother's day. We didn't last week because we were really busy."  What I meant was....WE ALL WERE.  But the server only heard "my brother and I hate our mom"

Then the lady of the day showed up!  I may or may not have acted like she was the starring lead in a broadway musical.  BUT LET'S JUST SAY PEOPLE WERE IMPRESSED!  I gave her the flowers and she loved them.  And being a person coming out of a vajayjay who has a vajayjay.  I will tell you men, there is nothing better than seeing your mom feel appreciated and loved.  You wouldn't know, you stone cold sons a bitches.

Fast forward, we had a lovely dinner.  Then we all started talking. (lightning was our family cat growing up.  I named her.  And yes....before you ask...if was because she was super fast)

me-  "mom do you still have those books I wrote as a child?"
Johnnie- "Books?? What books?? Oh hey mom, remember when Holly was a child prodigy and wrote all those books?  What happened to those?"
me-  "I DID write books, I was asked to go to conferences.  Remember the one about lightning??"
mom- "yes remember she wrote that story about lightning in the third grade?  She made the book to be shaped like a cat?"
Johnnie- "oh yeah.  I would hardly call that a book.  It was basically 'A story about lightning'...I love cats!...the end."
me-  IT WAS NOTHING LIKE THAT AT ALL!!!!!
mom-  "Holly was a very talented writer"
Johnnie- "she wrote short stories about our pets"
me-  "I wrote books about our life."