A New Life

   I am starting a new life for myself.  I have had a pretty awesome one so far but it has been fairly void of any true meaning.  I basically have spent my 20's partying, doing whatever I want, spending money frivolously, and watching my life go by.  I've moved from Ohio to Florida and then back to Ohio.  I have spent time in college majoring in something that I liked but there is no demand for anymore.  I have not really strived for anything outrageous or even thought about attempting it.
    I guess I have been telling myself this past decade that "this was the best I can do".  I told myself I wouldn't have a career or have the cookie cutter life that so many of my friends have.  At one point, I did assume I would get married and have kids.  That didn't pan out. Which in the end is for the better.  Sometimes it doesn't mean the people in the relationship are bad it just means they don't work when put together.
     This is the last year of my twenties.  I am half through it.  I have been doing a lot of thinking.  I have been spending a lot of time alone with my thoughts and reflecting on my life and thinking of the future.  Some how in the past few weeks something has struck a cord inside of me.  I have a feeling I have never felt before.  Instead of telling myself of things I can't do, I have suddenly become full of determination to reach for the things I thought were unthinkable.  I feel like my purpose in life is showing itself.
     I have been getting spiritual lately.  What I mean by that, is I have been taking things for different "religions", thought processes, and ideas of different cultures and kind of making my own thing.  If I tried to describe it, I don't think I could.  At least not now.  I just know that something amazing is happening to me, and it is getting stronger every day.  So I have been asking each day when I wake up to see just one sign to show me what I should do.  The signs have been so in my face, it is amazingly incredible.  These haven't been coincidences, they have been full out almost "lights flashing above them" signs.
     As some people know I have tried to kill myself quite a few times, to no avail.  I have tried many different methods, even driving my car into cement walls at 95 miles per hour.  I have to admit, that there have been many times in my life I have asked "why in the hell has none of this worked?".  I have survived many situations that I should definitely be dead from. I have always thought in the back of my mind, I must have something to do here.  I must have some kind of purpose and something to achieve.
    All of that was easy to drown out with alcohol and drugs and what have you. The one night stands, empty relationships, fake friendships.  If I just didn't try anything I wouldn't fail and then I wouldn't have to feel bad, or feel like I was a failure at something.  I just chose not to try at all.  That worked up until now.
     I have felt something shift and know exactly what my purpose is.  It is something that I will not disclose because it is a very personal journey I am making.  Things will unfold over time. I just don't want anyone's opinions or two cents about my next moves in life.  It's going to be a long process but it is something that I have a passion for that I have never imagined I would in my entire life.
    So I am trimming my life back a bit.  I am choosing to almost seclude myself to focus on what needs to happen for my success.  I am deleting facebook and other things of that nature because they have been huge distractions for me in my life before and I need as few distractions as possible now.  I still want to keep up with my friends, but I would rather do that over the phone, meeting in person, or skyping if they live far away.
     I want to get away from the fake world that I seem to find all too often.  In fact I have almost become a caricature of myself.  I know just what to say to make people laugh, I say outlandish things, and basically have made a character I play most of the time.  I am some of those things to an extent but not to the point I portray all the time.  I think I have wasted a lot of my life being what I wanted other people to like, and doing things so I could stay in a comfort zone.
     I am done with that now.  Do I wish I would have started sooner? No.  Because everything that has happened in my life has led me to the place I am in now.  I couldn't have started at any time before this because I did not have the tools or belief in myself that is starting to manifest inside of me.  This has come, like all things in life, at exactly the time it was suppose to.  I have a huge end goal.  However, I am taking it one day at a time, one little step after another, and I will be there soon.  My life has meaning for the first time.  It is as if the old me has died, and a new me has been born.   This is a new life.

becoming cat woman

Tonight I had dinner with my brother and mother.  It was a touching evening.  We were all busy for the official mother's day so we decided to go get dinner the next week.  My brother and I went to the store and we bought our mother flowers before we met her.  I use the term "we" loosely because when I turned to look at Johnnie (my brother) and say "what do you think of these?".  He was long gone.  I thought he had been kidnapped.  But no.  I found him a few aisles over looking at magazines he has never read or ever been interested in. Sooooo looking at flowers for our mother is so boring that he ran and needed to feed his head with any information he had.  If I saw him reading Martha Stewart I would have not been surprised.  I actually said "what are you reading??" and his response was "I don't know".

So anyway.....we got o the restaurant.  Mom was not there.  I put the flowers on the table.  The server greeted us and asked "what are we celebrating today?".  I wanted to tell her that the man across from me was my younger brother and he brings me flowers and takes me to dinner every other day.  But instead I made us sound like terrible terrible people.  My response was "Well we are taking our mom out to dinner for mother's day. We didn't last week because we were really busy."  What I meant was....WE ALL WERE.  But the server only heard "my brother and I hate our mom"

Then the lady of the day showed up!  I may or may not have acted like she was the starring lead in a broadway musical.  BUT LET'S JUST SAY PEOPLE WERE IMPRESSED!  I gave her the flowers and she loved them.  And being a person coming out of a vajayjay who has a vajayjay.  I will tell you men, there is nothing better than seeing your mom feel appreciated and loved.  You wouldn't know, you stone cold sons a bitches.

Fast forward, we had a lovely dinner.  Then we all started talking. (lightning was our family cat growing up.  I named her.  And yes....before you ask...if was because she was super fast)

me-  "mom do you still have those books I wrote as a child?"
Johnnie- "Books?? What books?? Oh hey mom, remember when Holly was a child prodigy and wrote all those books?  What happened to those?"
me-  "I DID write books, I was asked to go to conferences.  Remember the one about lightning??"
mom- "yes remember she wrote that story about lightning in the third grade?  She made the book to be shaped like a cat?"
Johnnie- "oh yeah.  I would hardly call that a book.  It was basically 'A story about lightning'...I love cats!...the end."
me-  IT WAS NOTHING LIKE THAT AT ALL!!!!!
mom-  "Holly was a very talented writer"
Johnnie- "she wrote short stories about our pets"
me-  "I wrote books about our life."

Arch Nemisis

I hate Jared Leto. I hate him with the power of a thousand suns.  Maybe you are thinking "how do you ever know what that power would be?"  or "yeah doubtful you could survive that".  You are wrong.  I don't believe so foolishly that I could ever be the only person to feel that power.  I know there are plenty of other people who have met Jared Leto.  So there must be armies that are willing to testify to how much of a douche this guy is.  However, they are so scared for their lives, that they never speak up (which is all I can imagine) or there would be a much more anti-Jared Leto congregation.

I am now realizing that many people might live in fear to either discuss their encounter with Jared Leto.  Or maybe he threatened you with a spork, I wasn't (I'm lucky) but I could totally see him doing that. I have come to this conclusion because this eve I tried to find a "Jared Leto is a jerk" or "Jared Leto is just the worst" shirt.  And in one of my darkest hours of being a human.  I could not find anything like that.  I found blogs and writings about his horrifying personality....but no...not a single way to advocate the masses upon sight as to how much I hate him.

Then.......the unthinkable happened.  I was in a forum and I read :::chokes on breath::: this.....

"I Love Jared Leto so much... If God gave me one day to just spend talking, singing, playing music and just learning everything about him... I'd be content... Fulfilled in life then God could take me after that :) That's how much I love him!!! Wouldn't even have to have sex with him... Seriously :) ♥♥♥♥ Love For Leto always and forever ♥♥♥♥ Close your eyes!!!"


I am horrified.  My night has been ruined and now instead of a fun Saturday night....I have to think about having a "teen night" to raise awareness.  You think that you are fighting a battle and that maybe you are winning and maybe you will fight that person to death someday in a wilderness far far away or on an iceberg.  Then this happens...and then you are just shell shocked.  I don't even know how to remedy this plague that is now on this nation and the world.