I am starting a new life for myself. I have had a pretty awesome one so far but it has been fairly void of any true meaning. I basically have spent my 20's partying, doing whatever I want, spending money frivolously, and watching my life go by. I've moved from Ohio to Florida and then back to Ohio. I have spent time in college majoring in something that I liked but there is no demand for anymore. I have not really strived for anything outrageous or even thought about attempting it.
I guess I have been telling myself this past decade that "this was the best I can do". I told myself I wouldn't have a career or have the cookie cutter life that so many of my friends have. At one point, I did assume I would get married and have kids. That didn't pan out. Which in the end is for the better. Sometimes it doesn't mean the people in the relationship are bad it just means they don't work when put together.
This is the last year of my twenties. I am half through it. I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have been spending a lot of time alone with my thoughts and reflecting on my life and thinking of the future. Some how in the past few weeks something has struck a cord inside of me. I have a feeling I have never felt before. Instead of telling myself of things I can't do, I have suddenly become full of determination to reach for the things I thought were unthinkable. I feel like my purpose in life is showing itself.
I have been getting spiritual lately. What I mean by that, is I have been taking things for different "religions", thought processes, and ideas of different cultures and kind of making my own thing. If I tried to describe it, I don't think I could. At least not now. I just know that something amazing is happening to me, and it is getting stronger every day. So I have been asking each day when I wake up to see just one sign to show me what I should do. The signs have been so in my face, it is amazingly incredible. These haven't been coincidences, they have been full out almost "lights flashing above them" signs.
As some people know I have tried to kill myself quite a few times, to no avail. I have tried many different methods, even driving my car into cement walls at 95 miles per hour. I have to admit, that there have been many times in my life I have asked "why in the hell has none of this worked?". I have survived many situations that I should definitely be dead from. I have always thought in the back of my mind, I must have something to do here. I must have some kind of purpose and something to achieve.
All of that was easy to drown out with alcohol and drugs and what have you. The one night stands, empty relationships, fake friendships. If I just didn't try anything I wouldn't fail and then I wouldn't have to feel bad, or feel like I was a failure at something. I just chose not to try at all. That worked up until now.
I have felt something shift and know exactly what my purpose is. It is something that I will not disclose because it is a very personal journey I am making. Things will unfold over time. I just don't want anyone's opinions or two cents about my next moves in life. It's going to be a long process but it is something that I have a passion for that I have never imagined I would in my entire life.
So I am trimming my life back a bit. I am choosing to almost seclude myself to focus on what needs to happen for my success. I am deleting facebook and other things of that nature because they have been huge distractions for me in my life before and I need as few distractions as possible now. I still want to keep up with my friends, but I would rather do that over the phone, meeting in person, or skyping if they live far away.
I want to get away from the fake world that I seem to find all too often. In fact I have almost become a caricature of myself. I know just what to say to make people laugh, I say outlandish things, and basically have made a character I play most of the time. I am some of those things to an extent but not to the point I portray all the time. I think I have wasted a lot of my life being what I wanted other people to like, and doing things so I could stay in a comfort zone.
I am done with that now. Do I wish I would have started sooner? No. Because everything that has happened in my life has led me to the place I am in now. I couldn't have started at any time before this because I did not have the tools or belief in myself that is starting to manifest inside of me. This has come, like all things in life, at exactly the time it was suppose to. I have a huge end goal. However, I am taking it one day at a time, one little step after another, and I will be there soon. My life has meaning for the first time. It is as if the old me has died, and a new me has been born. This is a new life.
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